“Coping with Holidays”
A Message from the Executive Director, Ken Druck, Ph.D.
The months of November and December are punctuated with holidays – days filled with family, traditions, and memories. These family times can be particularly difficult for those who are bereaved rather than being the times of great joy and celebration to which we have become accustomed. Thanksgiving, Kwanza, Hanukkah, Christmas and The New Year may add to the pain, pressure, and stress we are already feeling. The following ideas may help you think about and plan for the coming holiday season.
Perhaps most important is to acknowledge to yourself, as well as family and friends, that your life has changed. It is not necessary for you or your family to do everything as you always have. The holidays can bring up so many emotions – depression, loneliness, feeling constantly on the verge of tears, anger, nervousness, and fear. Recognize these feelings and share them with those around you. This helps others to be more in tune with how you are doing. It also helps them to understand your limitations.
Decide what will be most important and helpful to you this holiday season. Talk with your family about how to approach these days. Enroll their support. There may be traditions you want to continue. There may be some things that you decide to do but with some changes, and there may be things that you decide not to do. Perhaps you will come upon some new traditions. Whatever your choices, give yourself plenty of time to accomplish what you choose to do. Make a list of tasks and then break the list into pieces that are manageable. Enlist the help of family and friends to accomplish them. Wherever you can, remove unnecessary jobs and pressures.
Shopping on your own can be overwhelming. Ask a friend to go with you. If possible, shop at a time when the stores are less crowded. You may choose to skip malls altogether and shop by catalog.
Consider inviting a guest to dinner who might otherwise be alone for the holidays.
Ask a family member to have the holiday meal at his or her house this year.
Give family and friends permission to talk about your child by bringing up his or her name. Once they realize that you are comfortable to talk, they may share stories that add to your memories.
Make a contribution to a charity in your child’s memory. Use the support systems you have: family, friends, co-workers, support groups, etc.
Decorate as much or as little as you choose. Invite others to help.
Place a special candle on your holiday table. Light it to remind family and friends that the love and “light” of your child continues.
If your child drew pictures or wrote poems or stories consider having them copied and bound. Give these copies as special gifts to those you know will treasure them.
Give yourself permission to take pleasure in a holiday. You do not need to feel guilty if you find enjoyment in an activity. It does not mean that you have abandoned your child’s memory.
Get enough rest; this makes getting through the holidays more manageable.
Remember that often the anticipation of the event is worse than the actual day.
Give yourself permission to simplify or skip the holiday this year.
Ken Druck, Ph.D.
© 1998 Heart Sense, a newsletter of The Jenna Druck Foundation. All rights reserved.
For permission to reproduce articles, please contact The Jenna Druck Foundation.