“Straight from the Heart”
Reflections from the Executive Director, Ken Druck, PhD
We live in a world that understands little about grief and the healing that takes place after a loved one has died. Besieged by endless media images of death through acts of violence, horrific accidents, illness and natural disasters, our society often views tragedy as yet another news item. Most people don’t register the magnitude of sorrow experiences by survivors of these events. Despite the camera’s close-ups (or because of it), we somehow manage to remain emotionally removed from the real-life pain we witness. Recent tragedies, however, may have shaken us beyond our ability to detach and/or desensitize.
In the wake of the last six months’ events in Little, Bosnia, and Turkey, and the deep sorrow evoked by the Kennedy/Bissette deaths and other recent disaster, our nation has been jolted. The illusion of safety has been shattered. We can no longer pretend we control life’s events. We have been undeniably effected by these successive losses and wonder what looms in the distance.
As a society, we pride ourselves on our staunch self-reliance and resilience, often to a fault. The door has too often been shut to conversations about grief and loss. The media simply moves on, night after night, to the next newsworthy tragedy. And the next. And we follow suit. We rarely learn about the months and years of quiet struggle facing the survivors. To avoid their unbearable pain – we simply deny that it exists. But in that denial, we lose the chance to learn about the needs of the bereaved, to grasp the reality of loss and to respond compassionately.
Grieving parents are repeatedly shocked by the insensitivity they encounter in such a world. Strangers; friends; neighbors; colleagues; bosses; even clergy and family members often misunderstand the intensity and length of grieving. The unrealistic expectations, pressures and judgements placed on the bereaved create additional pain and suffering.
Those who have lost a child will spend the rest of their lives coming to terms with that reality. Imagine for a moment, a world that understands and respects this. Imagine a world that g rasps the magnitude of losing a child, that opens its arms, its heart, its resources to those who dreams have been shattered. A world free of judgment, cliches and spiritual platitudes. Image a world that encourages people to take the time they need to grieve and to heal.
Bereaved families tell us that healing is best supported by acts of patience, the compassion and love that allows them to feel understood – if not accepted. Hope and faith are best regained when they have permission to struggle with their sense of outrage, betrayal, hopelessness, violation and despair – in another’s presence. They do best when they can honestly say how they feel and how life is for them now; they hate the ways things turned out; they a re brokenhearted and brokenspirited; this is their new reality; their hearts, minds and souls long for reconnection and peace in knowing their children are OK.
The time has come for our culture to acknowledge the grieving process, to recognize that, we are all in grief to varying degrees. Those of us who have lost a child can provide education and sensitivity training by letting the people in our lives know what we need and when their insensitivity causes us pain. We will all be well served to honor grief and approach the bereaved with dignity. We will be better people for it. Imagine.
Ken Druck, Ph. D.
© 1999 Heart Sense, a newsletter of The Jenna Druck Foundation. All rights reserved.
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