“The Hope That Grows Out of Despair”
Reflections from the Executive Director, Ken Druck, PhD
The emotional devastation of losing a child has been likened to “an amputation”, “a hole in my heart” and “a living death”. The despair that makes up our natural grief response to the death of a child is choiceless. Our children’s lives have been lost to them, literally. In a different way, our lives have also been lost to us. Our hearts, broken and our dreams, shattered.
The magnitude of losing a child is so great that it’s hard to imagine a parent not feeling alternately hopeless, powerless and enraged. How could we not be visited by despair during this “dark night of the soul”? All at once awakened and debilitated, we wonder, “I feel such deep sorrow, what is going to become of me? How am I going to go on?”
“Going on” is a slow, uneven process. We search everywhere for signs of our children. And we witness the death of our lives as we knew them. Searching for the strength to go on, we discover that survival, healing and spiritual discovery are different for each one of us.
Despair is the cry of the soul. We have suffered the deepest of life’s wounds. What can we do? Three suggestions:
Respect Despair. Despair can be a source of profound guidance or, left unchecked, debilitating. Take action to prevent it from building up by expressing the full measure of your sorrow. Cultivate the antidote. Give yourself compassion, patience and support. Allow for setbacks as your fight your way back into life.
“Own” Despair. Rather than avoid despair with non-prescription drugs and alcohol, TV, food, business, etc…ask, “What is my despair saying to me? What is it telling me that I want? What feelings and experiences do I need validated?” By listening to your despair, you will grow in your awareness. Besides, the alternative (i.e. trying to deny or repress despair), only leads to more despair.
Don’t rush to “get over” Despair. Grief has a life and schedule all it’s own. Dark seasons will come and go. Open your mind and heart to the experience of hope and renewal. It is ultimately an act of faith and courage to believe that new branches will grow from the deep roots of despair.
Ken Druck, Ph.D.
© 1999 Heart Sense, a newsletter of The Jenna Druck Foundation. All rights reserved.
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